That’s right. Bree has a blog now. Rejoice! Because I certainly won’t. There is nothing that appeals to me less than making my handwritten drivel available to the global Internet community, but I did it anyway, despite my misgivings. That is fucking progress!
I’m going to swear a lot. I considered making this post family-friendly, but then I decided against it! I want everyone to know exactly what to expect from me. And what you can expect from me is copious profanity, because profanity comprises ninety percent of my internal monologue and that means it’s what I tend to write when you give me a public forum.
Also, butts.
Enough of this trite getting-to-know-me bullshit. Nobody is going to read this blog who doesn’t already know me, after all. Instead, let’s get to the heart of the matter.
Someone very important is having a birthday today. And by today, I mean that it’s 11:04 and his birthday is in roughly an hour and I don’t even know how old he’ll be because I can’t be arsed to go look it up. I’m lazy. Deal with it.
Anyway, so he’s the birthday boy and I wrote him this stupid thing that’s going to make me look positively schizophrenic when I pair it with the proceeding. Let’s get this train-wreck in gear.
The first sign of the
No it wasn’t. The first sign was the calendar.
But the second sign was the envelope. Gooper did not know how it had gotten there, and in such a timely manner to boot. The clock had just struck midnight on October 17th when he returned to his room and found it neatly taped to the door. Not at eye level, though. Or even doorknob level. It was approximately eight inches off the floor and he had to bend down to peel it off.
The envelope was bright red. Someone had written on it, in bold black crayon:
For my bestest friend ever, Mister Gooper Blooper!
He opened it and a letter fell out.
Dear Mister Gooper,
Happy birthday!!! Happy happy happy happy birthday yay yay!!! I hope that your birthday is absolutely the best, the bestest best of bests!!! Because that’s what you are and I’d be super duper sad if you had to settle for anything less than the best!
You are really truly fantastic and wow, I am so glad you exist! That’s why your birthday is extra special because it’s the day you were born and we love you so much that we’re just all so grateful you were born so we could be your friends!
Here are a bunch of reasons why I like being your friend!
• You are super nice! You never make me feel sad or unliked. You always make me feel happy and loved and special! I wish I could make you feel as great as that every single day!
• You are super funny! You make me laugh all the time and that is worth a whole bunch to me because life is tough sometimes and I need all the laughter I can get to make it through! I especially like your jokes because they are silly but they are never mean or inappropriate. You know exactly how to be funny and also be polite!
• You are super kind! Whenever I feel bad you are one of the first people to make me feel better. Sometimes when my friends feel bad it’s hard for me to try making them feel better but you never show any hesitation. You are always right there when I need to be cheered up or reassured and you never get frustrated even if I feel bad a lot and need a lot of cheering up.
• You are super generous! You are really talented at drawing and you’ve drawn things for me even though you didn’t have to! And that makes me feel so special because I love when people draw me things! Plus you give me your friendship every single day when I talk to you and you never expect anything from me in return. It is really truly a gift to receive that kind of friendship from someone because it just makes you feel like there is someone out there who is glad you exist so that they can be your friend and that is the best feeling to have when the sad parts of you are trying to make you feel lonely and worthless.
• You are super good at writing! You tell the best stories and it is always really interesting to read things you wrote and hear your ideas! Your characters are so great, like my sisters and Miss Viola! I am so glad I know them, and without you I wouldn’t! In fact, since I’m a little mini Ariel, without you I wouldn’t even exist! Thanks a bunch, Mister Gooper!!
• You are super handsome! I haven’t met you in person but Miss Myriam showed me a super secret picture of you. You are so cute! You are even cuter than Beck except please don’t tell Beck I said that because I don’t want him to know I think someone is cuter than him! Actually I also don’t want him to know I think he’s cute in the first place. So actually just don’t tell Beck anything that I said please.
In summary, you are the best in a million ways. It is really fun and really nice to be your friend, and I hope that we can continue to be friends for a long long long long long long long long long long long long long long time. Maybe even friends forever!!!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!
Melody & Miss Bree
P.S. Turn this over! I drew you a picture on the back!!!
And as a bonus, here is a little sneak preview. This is currently what I imagine Melody will look like as a human. Meet actress Sabrina Carpenter:
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